Mum pens this poem about reality of being a parent in lockdown

HELP - I'M HOME SCHOOLING!

By Tessa Anderson

Snuggled up at Christmas I couldn't have foretold

How another big 'C' would be leaving me cold.

It seems like a lifetime since good food and good cheer

Now the lack of those things is costing me dear.

I'm stuck in the house in lockdown condition

By Covid-19, a bug on a mission.

The longer it goes on, the worse that it gets

My kids are now suffering from "MUUUUM" tourettes.

I used to dread getting up and into a suit

Now I long for the queues in the daily commute.

But I have to stay home and learn how to tutor

To be honest I just want to punch the computer.

I don't understand hwb, I'm shocking at IT

Fractions aren't my strong point, and what's literacy?

When it comes to science my brain's taken a hike

I wanna go running or escape on my bike.

I can't for the rules state a grand total of one

And that's when my children are begging for fun.

I've learnt hide and seek is the best game to play

So I can crouch in cupboards for most of the day.

At least I've got Joe Wicks keeping me hot

But his idea of fun is yet another squat.

With my thighs on fire and my head in maths hell

I turn to the kettle to make everything well.

I've drunk enough tea to sink the Armada

Coz tea bags are the last thing in my larder.

The shops have nothing, from loo roll to pasta

If you fancy spag bol, you gotta be faster.

Yet if you crave chocolate you're onto a winner

So I'm growing outwards and not getting thinner.

The aisles are still full of the Easter bunny

I'm eating them, and they're eating my money.

This very strange tale has been given a twist

Off licenses are on the 'essentials' list.

At least my parents are Zooming with a grin

They are self medicating with bottles of gin.

Which is handy if you do contract any bugs

Since one person has stockpiled all of the drugs.

And if you do find you're poorly, don't you dare sneeze

As everyone around you will suddenly freeze.

I'm more ashamed of a cough than I am of a fart

Despite staying over two metres apart.

In the shopping aisle I climb onto the veg

If I spot someone walking, I dive into a hedge.

I feel like the world has become a film set

And in every scene I am breaking a sweat.

From squat thrusts with Joe to people too near

All I need now are for zombies to appear.

Just when I think that things couldn't get worse

I've started disinfecting the coins in my purse.

Every object we touch needs anti-bacing

Which is just another item the shops are lacking.

I've shampooed the kids from their head to their toes

I've kept their fingers from their eyes and their nose.

If they "MUUUUM" one more time, I think I will scream

I keep pinching myself in the hope its a dream.

When I stop and consider my daily nightmare

I take a deep breath and I swallow the swear.

Coz as much as I struggle with homeschooling tasks

I have it easy compared to those warriors in masks.

The brave NHS workers, the ambulance crew

The carers, the cleaners - all key workers too.

The fire and police force, our protector

The drivers, the posties, and each waste collector.

One group of angels I cannot forget

(I don't care if this makes me the teachers pet!).

To all the school staff - you deserve a trophy

How you cope with kids is a mystery to me.

And when you're fighting over that last toilet roll

Think of the shop staff who are on crowd control.

They all want to be at home away from the bug

So stop all complaining and give loved ones a hug.

Yes this is tough for everyone involved

But there will come a time when the problem is solved.

For now just be kind, take each day as it comes

Even if that day includes phonics and sums!